Silence

Have you ever experienced complete silence? I've realized it is impossible. I think I am changing my terminology to complete peace.

Think about it, when you turn off the TV you still hear noise. Your air conditioner is running or the fridge is cycling through a new batch of ice. You can sit in your car with the windows rolled up, but you know that you can still hear the traffic driving by. Where can you go to experience complete silence? You can't, unless you have lots of money to sound proof a room. I don't!

Today I went out to the ranch and decided to go on the other side of the dam for some peace and quiet. I soon realized that I just meant peace. Bugs are noisy! The bugs that look like squatty dragonflies are super noisy, annoyingly noisy. Then you can hear the flies coming from a mile away. I got used to that after a few minutes, but it never stops. Then you hear the occasional call of the black bird. Which by the way, is the most annoying mimicing bird on the planet.

I started in the sun today, I was trying to do some reading without interruption. When the cloud cover went away and I was in the direct sunlight I only lasted for 15 minutes. I got a little red to prove that the sun was intense too. Then I moved back to the other side of the dam and set in the shade of the hay trailer. It was nice and even nicer when a breeze picked up. That is, until that bug that looks like a black wasp buzzed right by my head, then I was done for the day! I got a good 20 pages read that's all that's important, but I don't know if I'll use the peace of the ranch anymore! I'd rather freeze to death at the college than have to deal with the bug fly bys!

I have to think about this!

I'm in the full swing of my semester of education classes right now. I'm taking what NMSU refers to as "Block B" classes. They are method and practicum classes to prepare you to teach. This semester is three times the work of last semester, but I already feel like I've learned so much. Last semester just felt like a big review with time in a 1st grade classroom added to it.

This semester I am in a fifth grade class. Much quieter and a lot less hugs! One of my friends daughter's is in my class and she hugs me everytime I'm there, but no one else! Oh that is so funny saying that out loud! I'm not really much of a hugger so I don't really mind. I'm not so sure about my teacher's classroom management style, but I like that she's flexible with me so I'm not going to complain!

Do you remember leaving high school? You are all full of hopes and dreams and ideals for yourself. I had a few. Like, I will never have kids! Or how about I'm going to go to college and becoming an agronomist and going to take care of myself, I won't need a man. I'm rolling on the floor right now laughing at how far I am from those two ideals. I came in the education program the same way. I will be a strict teacher, I will need a quiet classroom. I will never teach anyone below the age of 10. I'm laughing again! Ok so this is why they put you in a classroom before you actually have your own classroom? Wait I have to think about this! So you mean people can change thier minds and ideals? Well of course Heather!

I don't mind some talking going on in fact I find that that may be how you make sure all your students understand what's actually going on, by communicating with each other. Don't tell ANYONE I said this, I mean it! I loved my first graders. Oh man, so what now? You mean I'm actually fitting into my own philosphy of having an open mind. I am! I'm ready for anything, so far! I still have 28 more hours of observation that may change my mind, again!

The First Day of School

I remember laying in bed and not being able to sleep. Thoughts rolling through my head. "I know this will be a better year!" "I'm so excited to see everyone, I've been bored to death out here all summer." We lived 25 miles from town, starting my sixth grade year. It was excruciating to move from a town of 100,000 to a town of 100 and then have to be bused to the town of 12,000 for school. Oh the woe of a 12 year old.

I always loved the first day of school but in the end it was always awkward for me. I never really fit in anywhere once we moved. All the cliques had already formed and people were bonded from childhood friendships. Then I don't know what happened in my development that caused me to not be able to carry on a conversation. It always starts good:

Hi!
Hi!
How are you?
Good and you?
Good.

Insert awkward silence.

Ummmm What class do you have next.
Math
Oh well see you later.

Then I have this weird thing about saying inappropriate things. In my mind it's just me telling the truth. Don't ask me how you look if you don't want an honest answer. I'm not going to lie, I can't. I don't know what I've said through the years, and half the time no one ever tells me, but I know people have stopped being my friend because of my inability to tell a white lie.

I didn't know this stuff about myself as a teenager. I didn't know that you could label me as shy. I just thought no one liked me. It turns out no one could like me because I spent most of my time trying to be invisible. Less talk means less people telling you they don't like you. Right? I've always said if I could go back to high school, I wouldn't. It was an awful experience for me, or actually middle school and junior high were the awful experiences. Getting an education has afforded me some knowledge of an adolescent mind and if someone had just giving me a few tools to deal with my shyness and anxieties I could of given myself a better experience. I know now though that the situation I was living in meant that everyone was doing the best they could and keeping that in mind, I think I'm doing pretty well as an adult.

I still don't know how to have a great conversation. They still end awkwardly sometimes. I attribute that now to me being self centered and always saying stuff like "Oh that happens to me too...," how annoying! It would be nice to have a couple of good friends that dropped by occasionally to just chat it up! I know though that I haven't allowed for relationships like that in my life. Don't worry about me, I have friends that I can count on but I'm just not that great of a friend because I don't pick up the phone everyday. I know it's a two way street and I'm not travelling down my side.

I like though, that with the knowledge I have in hand that I can walk into my first day of school this year and I don't have to worry if I'm wearing the right clothes or if anyone likes me! It's all about my education and my students future education. It makes me wish I had had those kind of priorities as a teenager!

Summer and it's end

We technically started the summer with the Memorial Day weekend camping trip, but I already put pics of that.

Next, we took a trip to Alabama. Not a vacation! This is my single most favorite picture from the trip. That is Kenny's Aunt JJ, she's a great woman. The girls and her were playing with the special effects on the web cam. Hilarious!


My only viewed sunrise of the summer. I don't do mornings! I got up at 3:30 this day to load horses and go work at a friends ranch with hubby. A very nice morning in the saddle but it was a long day!


Then we had our annual swimming day on the 4th of July. We go to Kenny's Uncle's house every year and swim and cookout. It's always nice and only a very small portion of the Kenny's family actually goes. This year we braved the crowds and went to the river beach and watched the fireworks show. We got soaked and missed the last 3 or so minutes of the show because we just couldn't take the rain anymore! Next year will probably be like last year and we will sit on the hill at our place and watch the whole town's fireworks.

My nieces came for a week. They like to go to the play days with us. It was a lot of fun this year, no tears! Well except for the last weekend of their trip the youngest daughter and the youngest niece fell off of their horses. They couldn't pull the reins to stop the horses without turning them and got a dump on the turn! Both little girls got back on and both older girls watched from the sidelines and didn't want to ride anymore after that! Funny how the youngest are the bravest!


This is just proof that I actually do some work with the horses occasionally!

We celebrated Kenny's birthday!


Kenny's cousin got married!

We went to my high school's alumni dance. This is my best friend from high school.


This is our cowboy crowd!


This is someone who read's my blog! Ok I already knew her. We went to high school together but didn't really know each other that well. She surprised me this night by telling me she reads my blog. Kinda freaked me out a little! I guess that is what happens when you post a link to your blog on your Facebook page! She's a nice lady and I'm glad we've become Facebook friends!


We finally had Holdyn's birthday party! He had a blast pulling all the gifts out of the bags!

{INSERT PICTURE HERE}
This would be a picture of me at Summer Mummer's but I forgot my camera and my non-technical sister hasn't posted our pics yet! If you live close to the Midland/Odessa region you should make plans to attend Summer Mummer's. It raises money for the theater company in Midland and is very fun. A great way to do a fundraiser if you ask me!

Then to show that summer is over.....



The girls in their first day of school outfits! I'm soooo bummed!

Succinct

Do you know what that means? I didn't until a few years ago. I had to take an educational psychology class and we all know that means, you're going to write a couple of papers. I wrote a paper about 2 and 1/2 pages long and got a little note: "You show a great understanding of the topic in a succinct way." He handed it to me, I read the note and didn't think to maybe get out the dictionary and look up the word. I just asked, "What's succinct mean?" He was a great guy, he looked at me with the combination of you should really know this, but that's ok look on his face and he smiled and said "You say things in very few words" Oh!

I don't elaborate. I've been reading my blogs and I have realized that I try to fit my life is short paragraphs and sometimes this causes me to leave things out. Miss a step! It leaves me wondering, do they have a class in college that will teach you how to be more descriptive? Please don't say, "Yes it's called English!" I've been told to be more descriptive in English class, but no one has actually taught me how to be descriptive. Then I think of my personality and how when I actually do talk to someone I can sometimes go on a little bit but most of the time I don't have much to say. The reason this is a problem? It's not really I don't mind being succinct, it fits into my lazy lifestyle. Less words means less typing, right? It is a problem though when you're getting closer to the end of your college career and you have to turn in papers with meaning and more than 500 sentences!

Rain and randomness.

It just rained, stormed actually. I hate thunder storms. I don't know why they bug me so much but they do, well I know a small reason but I'm not going into that right now. We've got a lot of rain this July. It came to late for me to get my annual supply of cactus flower shots though. I took this one in May. It has to rain in late March or early April for some nice cactus flowers to bloom. I wonder if the lack of prickley pear cactus blooms will mean less food for desert critters this year? I've noticed that the big bunches don't have as many fruit as they usually do.

I've been attending my Finite Math class this summer. Not feeling like I'm grasping the concepts very well, but it actually deals with my major weakness in math, graphing! I can not wrap my brain around why this linear equation fits on this line on this graph! Then add minimizing and maximazing, ugh! I'll get it I always do, but sometimes I feel really discouraged when I don't get what the teacher is lecturing about and have to read the chapter five times and do lots of homework before the light bulb lights up!

Last rambling paragraph! My kids are away for the week. Visiting their Aunt and Uncle. I had my neices last week. By the way, it's hard to do homework when you have 5 kids in the house! Then we traded. It's been so quiet here and clean! No picking up every 5 seconds! I sure do miss them though!

Our summer comes to an end on August 13. When do your kids go back to school? I'm wondering how we're going to enjoy the last few days of freedom?

ABANDONED

Yes I abandoned my blog for over a month. Makes you wonder what else I've abandoned in my life? Now don't start thinking bad thoughts about me! The only thing I've abandoned is grandiose ideas of starting clubs or groups and then remembering I don't do well in groups!

I started this blog because my other blogging site is being dismantled. Matter of fact, it has already disappeared. I blogged there as a way to vent or whine about my life. I also updated my new found internet friends on my life and since I don't know them in real life, I told them things I would never tell people I actually see in real life. Then I moved to blogger and found some awesome blogs and felt that need once again to have people like me. "Like me, Like me," it's so pitiful! It was also a lot of pressure. I can't chronicle my life in pictures like the Pioneer woman, I don't have the camera for that or the photographic ability. Plus I can take 50 shots in one day and then not take anymore for another week. So it's hard to post something daily about your life and have a picture for it if you're not taking pictures. Then I'm not that great of a writer. I found this out when I took my last English class. We had to read classic literature like Beowulf or The Green Knight and then write critically about it. I had a hard time, but had a professor that really believed in me. Yet, that doesn't help me with my insecurities when I'm putting something out there for the whole world to read.

I know, I know, the whole world isn't reading my blog. I haven't made it private though, so it's a possibility. I wanted to be like Kristina, smart and witty and have hundreds of followers. I know now, that I really don't want that. I do like it when people comment on my blogs it makes me feel liked. It's been sad my pursuit of peoples approval that makes my life hard sometimes, but then I come back to Earth and remember that I'm the one that has to like me. The reason for all this babbling about abandonment and acceptance; I'm going back to my original style of blogging. There won't always be pictures and I won't post everyday, but I promise occasionally I'll have a great story like Burnt Bisquits but mostly it will feel like your reading my diary. I hope you stay and find out more about me and my family and my daily struggle with insecurity.